"If we are all alone, we are all together in that." paraphrasing from my memory one of the climactic speeches by the mother in the movie P.S. I Love You.
I have been feeling lonely today, hence the quote (why can I not just say these things). There was much inner dialogue and I felt like something was missing, someone perhaps. At one point, I thought maybe I was wanting to share my thoughts here just to know they could be read, whether or not they actually were; but, honestly I do not know (I really have no idea). I took a "sick day" today, but let us be honest my job is not exactly demanding. I mean, my job for those that do not know is to basically be a self-employed small business owner, but without all the responsibilities since after all, I am not the owner, just the brother. On the other hand, how long has it been since I took one day and just said today, I do what I want as long as it involves hardly leaving my room (while continuing to take orders and do some "computer" work to dissuade, nay temper any feelings of guilt). Still I feel the guilt. No, I am not truly sick, I have worked through much worse, but still I am not well and I do need something. I awoke this morning early, as often is the case, anticipating an early start, but my preparations once again left me wanting. Still I felt like I should have been well rested and I got up and got in the shower that I soon decided to turn into a bath at some point I fell asleep in the bath only to wake up and decide to get out of the bath and return to bed and shake off this idea of an early start. Maybe 2 or 3 hours later I awoke to something frightful. My eye felt as if it were bruised, heavy tear-filled watery discharge, a feeling that something was in my eye, unable to open it even forcefully with my index finger and thumb, and finally redness. It is about 12 hours later now, and while my eye feels a lot better it is still somewhat sore, watery, and red. However, now I also feel sick it might have been sitting or laying around all day. I fell asleep a few times just sitting in the dark or even in the light, early this morning I was determined to not even look at a computer screen/tablet. With nothing to do, but sit in the dark, I suppose it is only natural I would fall asleep eventually. I should have been able to withstand it for longer, honestly. I have also been having a lot of inner dialogue too. If that sentence was not repetitive enough to make it obvious, I feel that may be what has me feeling ill now. It is not a secret, just something I do not like to talk about, but I do not hold myself in high regard. One might even suggest I do not like myself and I would have to say that is a fair assessment most of the time. As with anything else that involves me this is the source of a never-ending struggle. I feel that I could get along fine with this, but at the same time when I get the feeling I disappoint others, it just magnifies everything I hear from myself. Who am I to complain about this, but undeserving and now ungrateful of my many blessings.
It is strangely symbolic as I sit here, in the first few moments of deciding that this was actually happening*, in the air conditioned room that I sometimes refer as my home, a bead of sweat rolled down my forehead and dropped to the floor. I have well documented the pressure I put on myself, or at the least my personal difficulties, when writing. I have heard it from so many different people, that for varying reasons have by chance seen something I wrote well, the things these people say are nice to hear, but I cannot say I am not skeptical.
Posting 12/01/2014: This was written a couple months ago. I have lost the train of thought I had at the time, I actually do not completely remember writing it, but I do remember having the eye issues. My eye has healed up, I wear my contacts a lot less than I used to (I now have glasses). Although I wouldn't say with 100% certainty it was a problem with wearing my contacts. The optometrist wanted me to see a specialist, but I did not want to pay that kind of money! I now choose to take a "eye vitamin & mineral supplement" that claims to help counter eye diseases associated with aging. I also try to wash/rinse my eye out better during every shower, I was not really doing a good job of that before. I do not wear my contacts more than 12 hours any longer (I would sleep in them before, they are made for overnight use even though it is still not recommended).
*As I reread this now, it is obvious how it might be very confusing, but I remember writing the bottom of the original two paragraphs first, until I started writing more and found some flow. This "thing that was actually happening" is me deciding I am going to write. The title is something I had thought of a long time before actually writing this, but never used (as far as I can remember). It is something I wanted to use, because I enjoy the double meaning. It also reminds me of flag football as a child, my brother and I stood in the back yard shouting "Out-standing in the field" repeatedly in jest.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Earning my geek card
Alright, so I have always been a geek, but until now it was unsubstantiated. Probably more a symptom of my social akwardness than anything else. However, I feel like I have earned a small bit of geek cred. Let us be honest, I have always had above average computer knowledge. I had added graphics cards, network cards, and 56k modem before. Although, I never felt like I could build my own computer. I probably still cannot, but I am one step closer and feeling pretty good about it right now.
Last week, I was at my brother's when his wife called out from the other room, "The computer just turned off, what did you do?" I am paraphrasing since I do not have a photographic memory. Needless to say, it was a little upsetting and I thought, "I am in here and am not using the computer. What did YOU do? It always works fine for me. I will go get it to work no problem, just watch."
Well as it turns out it did shut off and everytime I turned it back on it would start up, but then suddenly shut off before I could even do anything. I decided to stop trying to get it to stay on before I really fried something. Then I used my tablet to look up the problem. The power supply could have gone bad or maybe the inside is covered with dust and it is getting too hot. I was hoping for the dust. I opened the case and score! There was quite a bit of dust on the fans. As I start trying to clean the dust away, I realize there is a bigger problem, the heatsink and mounted fan appear to be loose and hardly in contact with the processor. I unscrew one of four screws on the fan and the fan and heatsink slides right off, the other three screws. Clearly, this is not good. Upon further inspection, I realize that this piece is clearly broken. It must be replaced, but I am prepared to find the least expensive repair shop to save my brother money.
As it turns out the repair shops want the part to be provided and they will do the work. This one place has a flat rate of $120, not too terribly bad. However, that does not include parts. Surely, I thought, someone will do this for $50 (that seems fair) and it will cost less than $100 to get this fixed. Actually the further I searched, the more the price seemed to rise. I convinced my brother to order the part he needed, but I was admittedly worried about how it was going to get into his machine and you know function as intended without paying an exorbitant amount for the hour worth of work. It was looking bleak.
Looking back now (you would not know it, but I started writing this a month ago, so this event took place 5 or 6 weeks ago, I fell asleep the night of writing this and it has been stuck in my drafts ever since), I cannot remember if the parts had arrived yet or not, it took a few days, but my sister-in-law started talking to the neighbor and she then volunteered her husband to do it. Better him than me, I thought, and he will be cheap if he even takes a twenty when offered. Plus he is an electrician by trade, he seemed to be naturally better suited to handle the intricacies of a computer. I hoped the neighbor was as confident about it as I heard his wife seemed to be. I sure did not have confidence I could do it.
The worst that could happen? A failed installation that destroyed something else like the motherboard and left me needing a real technician to identify what I had done and how much it would cost to fix if it could be fixed. Yeah, that is only going to be a few hundred, no need to get a new computer after that, I got this! Better him than me.
Soon my fears were realized. My sister in-law nonchalantly mentioned, I could just change the heatsink fan, if the neighbor could do it surely I could too (I believe that was her thought process). That is solid logic right there I thought, I could get a job as an electrician too infact I could use the money why haven't I done that? *berrrrrrrrrrruhhhhht*
Wrong answer. The crowd goes wild as the visiting team throws up a brick at the buzzer . I am that shooter or I am the guy laying on the ice after getting stick checked by the goalie on a fast break watching helplessly as the puck slides an inch past the post and into the boards, the final horn sounds and my team finishes down a goal.
I try to hide the distress on my face, hoping to feign confidence. "Yes, no problem, I will get it done." Did she buy it, I thought, do not try to read her face she will know something is off. Deep down, I was a little excited. Since I never suggested I could do it, until it was told to me I could, that meant I was off the hook if I screwed it up right, maybe, well? Well shit, that is what; hopefully, I do not screw up. I should be able to do this, but can I?
I always do this I thought. I can do this, I want to do it to prove I can. I just wish I did not hold these reservations, of course this will be easier than I make it sound. It all reminded me of another time where I was left hating myself for my uncertainty. It was just a moment, but it resonates long after the moment passed constantly reminding me of my stupid inadequacies.
Last week, I was at my brother's when his wife called out from the other room, "The computer just turned off, what did you do?" I am paraphrasing since I do not have a photographic memory. Needless to say, it was a little upsetting and I thought, "I am in here and am not using the computer. What did YOU do? It always works fine for me. I will go get it to work no problem, just watch."
Well as it turns out it did shut off and everytime I turned it back on it would start up, but then suddenly shut off before I could even do anything. I decided to stop trying to get it to stay on before I really fried something. Then I used my tablet to look up the problem. The power supply could have gone bad or maybe the inside is covered with dust and it is getting too hot. I was hoping for the dust. I opened the case and score! There was quite a bit of dust on the fans. As I start trying to clean the dust away, I realize there is a bigger problem, the heatsink and mounted fan appear to be loose and hardly in contact with the processor. I unscrew one of four screws on the fan and the fan and heatsink slides right off, the other three screws. Clearly, this is not good. Upon further inspection, I realize that this piece is clearly broken. It must be replaced, but I am prepared to find the least expensive repair shop to save my brother money.
As it turns out the repair shops want the part to be provided and they will do the work. This one place has a flat rate of $120, not too terribly bad. However, that does not include parts. Surely, I thought, someone will do this for $50 (that seems fair) and it will cost less than $100 to get this fixed. Actually the further I searched, the more the price seemed to rise. I convinced my brother to order the part he needed, but I was admittedly worried about how it was going to get into his machine and you know function as intended without paying an exorbitant amount for the hour worth of work. It was looking bleak.
Looking back now (you would not know it, but I started writing this a month ago, so this event took place 5 or 6 weeks ago, I fell asleep the night of writing this and it has been stuck in my drafts ever since), I cannot remember if the parts had arrived yet or not, it took a few days, but my sister-in-law started talking to the neighbor and she then volunteered her husband to do it. Better him than me, I thought, and he will be cheap if he even takes a twenty when offered. Plus he is an electrician by trade, he seemed to be naturally better suited to handle the intricacies of a computer. I hoped the neighbor was as confident about it as I heard his wife seemed to be. I sure did not have confidence I could do it.
The worst that could happen? A failed installation that destroyed something else like the motherboard and left me needing a real technician to identify what I had done and how much it would cost to fix if it could be fixed. Yeah, that is only going to be a few hundred, no need to get a new computer after that, I got this! Better him than me.
Soon my fears were realized. My sister in-law nonchalantly mentioned, I could just change the heatsink fan, if the neighbor could do it surely I could too (I believe that was her thought process). That is solid logic right there I thought, I could get a job as an electrician too infact I could use the money why haven't I done that? *berrrrrrrrrrruhhhhht*
Wrong answer. The crowd goes wild as the visiting team throws up a brick at the buzzer . I am that shooter or I am the guy laying on the ice after getting stick checked by the goalie on a fast break watching helplessly as the puck slides an inch past the post and into the boards, the final horn sounds and my team finishes down a goal.
I try to hide the distress on my face, hoping to feign confidence. "Yes, no problem, I will get it done." Did she buy it, I thought, do not try to read her face she will know something is off. Deep down, I was a little excited. Since I never suggested I could do it, until it was told to me I could, that meant I was off the hook if I screwed it up right, maybe, well? Well shit, that is what; hopefully, I do not screw up. I should be able to do this, but can I?
I always do this I thought. I can do this, I want to do it to prove I can. I just wish I did not hold these reservations, of course this will be easier than I make it sound. It all reminded me of another time where I was left hating myself for my uncertainty. It was just a moment, but it resonates long after the moment passed constantly reminding me of my stupid inadequacies.
I stood over the hood of one of my best friend's older sister's car. Actually it was her, one of her roommates, and myself standing over the car with it's hood raised. They were hoping to add coolant/anti-freeze, the car must have been getting hot. The two of them clearly had no idea what they were doing and likely even stated as much. Trying to be helpful, I pointed out the radiator cap and said, "I think it goes here." I immediately regretted saying this is what I thought and tried to explain why I knew what I thought was right. It got ugly from there, they were both very hesitant to listen to what I thought and wanted someone that knew what they were talking about to tell them what to do. Eventually I stopped trying to assuade them to discover the truth for themselves and I retreated into my head to have an angry dialog about my decision to introduce the uncertainty. It put a damper on the rest of the evening; I probably spent the next few hours withdrawn and angry.That moment haunts me all too regularly. I tried to make this heatsink fan go differently and I was significantly less sure of myself now. However, I did actually managed to complete the project, as I am sure any one reading has long ascertained. The computer has not had a problem since I put the part in. It was rather easy although I did not have completely steady hands, but it did not matter in the end.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Being Silly
Amendmant (8/10/2013): Just getting this out of my draft not even going to read it. I fell asleep typing this one for sure. I remember (despite not remembering what I wrote) waking up with my hands on the keys and not seeing any text. It freaked me out and after trying to recover the text with some terrible decisions and ultimately realizing the text was still there just off screen, I decided to put the computer up and succumb to my eyelids desires.
****************************************************************
I know it has been a while. I have been thinking about you all very much. However, I was just sitting here and I feel like I have laughed at my self a lot recently. I was trying to remember the last time, it was only a few days ago; but it took a second before I could even remember. Want to hear about it? Of course you Jdo!
Hehe, oh me. It is not even really that funny so do not go getting your hopes up. I could probably make you laugh harder by trying to tell a serious story.
Alright, so I decided it was time to clean the house some. I have lived here 6 months or maybe longer, exact time of when I moved in is disputed (although I do not admit it, non-confrontational and all). Yes my memory for the mundane is that bad. The only cleaner I have accumulated in that time is toilet bowl cleaner, tile and tub cleaner, and floor cleaner. Clearly I needed bleach (and also Drano, but how would you know that?)! So of course I went to Wal-mart, because in Vegas there are only about 50. It is really disappointing, I have to decide which direction I want to travel when I am to make a trip to the closest Wal-mart.
I ended up hanging out in the truck, at Wal-mart for an hour or so. You know listening to music and creeping people out after they go in, walk the entire store, buying everything on their little lists, and then come back out only to see that I am still there sitting, eying them as they walk past.. I kid, my eyes avert themselves from any contact with other humans, especially unknown strangers. Eventually I was bored and tired and dreading even going in, that is when I knew: I was ready. I walked straight to the cleaners, as straight as one can walk in a Wal-mart they have only been to a handful of other times and then those times were only to shop for toys. I got the bleach, I hesitated on the Drano (did I need the big size, it was like $7; that smaller cheaper bottle looked like it might be the better option), got the biggest Drano, and quickly decided to buy some Kaboom spray crap (yeah okay, glad I bought that). Then I needed something to drink, but not soda, I drink enough of that garbage. Water gets old though, so Gatorade it is. Saw a white 8 pack and there were two of them, it was providence. Grabbed them both. Maybe something to eat too? I decided against it, it was just too difficult and time was running out. I had to leave immediately; I have no problem spending an hour in the parking lot but I will be damned if I spend 15 minutes inside that hell spawner (I don't know what the even means either, probably a gaming reference). I went to the express lane to check out, because I did not have much; to recap: the biggest bottle of drano, a decent sized bottle of bleach not like the last time I got bleach apparently they sold me watered down bleach then so it was bigger (at least that is what this bottle said), a normal sized spray bottle of Kaboom, two 8-packs of 12 oz. (I think) gatorades, and a last minute purchase decision on one of these big 24 packs of water. There was only one person in line in-front of me; however, to this point I have failed to mention that I did not have a shopping cart. Yeah apparently when I was on my way in, I would not be buying that much and would not need a cart. So I kept thinking as I stood in line, I need to go get a cart; I mean: I can carry a lot of stuff, but I was at the edge of my limit before getting 24 waters, that is why I decided -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Edit: 12/01/2014 ) Oh wow, just reread this for the first time since the night I wrote it. I'm afraid I do not even remember the exact phrase that was said that I thought was so funny. After getting all these items placed on the checkout lane, I felt the need to run and get a shopping cart, but I was reluctant to do so, because I wanted to let the cashier know I would be right back, but obviously she was helping the customer in front of me and did not give me a glance or anything. As I waited there arguing with myself about whether to just go and get it or wait and declare my intentions to the cashier, she finally finished with her other customer and turned her attention to me. She just sort of looked down at my items and looked at me and said something like, "Oh my, you definitely need a shopping cart." This for some reason caught me completely off-guard and I just laughed out loud at the idea that she would just blurt that out to me, finally I said, "Yeah, I was thinking of getting one." In actuality, I am making that sound better than what I really said in the moment, but I cannot remember how I responded, but I do remember thinking it was stupid and then I ran off to get a cart. Then for like the next 8 hours, I just kept laughing at myself and how I reacted throughout the entire experience. She had to think I was a loon, just bursting into laughter at the mention of needing a cart. Then responding as I did, so stupidly. Why had I not just gone to get a cart yet (I still don't quite understand)? I laugh at myself for that and I shake my head at all the other awkward things I do.
****************************************************************
I know it has been a while. I have been thinking about you all very much. However, I was just sitting here and I feel like I have laughed at my self a lot recently. I was trying to remember the last time, it was only a few days ago; but it took a second before I could even remember. Want to hear about it? Of course you Jdo!
Hehe, oh me. It is not even really that funny so do not go getting your hopes up. I could probably make you laugh harder by trying to tell a serious story.
Alright, so I decided it was time to clean the house some. I have lived here 6 months or maybe longer, exact time of when I moved in is disputed (although I do not admit it, non-confrontational and all). Yes my memory for the mundane is that bad. The only cleaner I have accumulated in that time is toilet bowl cleaner, tile and tub cleaner, and floor cleaner. Clearly I needed bleach (and also Drano, but how would you know that?)! So of course I went to Wal-mart, because in Vegas there are only about 50. It is really disappointing, I have to decide which direction I want to travel when I am to make a trip to the closest Wal-mart.
I ended up hanging out in the truck, at Wal-mart for an hour or so. You know listening to music and creeping people out after they go in, walk the entire store, buying everything on their little lists, and then come back out only to see that I am still there sitting, eying them as they walk past.. I kid, my eyes avert themselves from any contact with other humans, especially unknown strangers. Eventually I was bored and tired and dreading even going in, that is when I knew: I was ready. I walked straight to the cleaners, as straight as one can walk in a Wal-mart they have only been to a handful of other times and then those times were only to shop for toys. I got the bleach, I hesitated on the Drano (did I need the big size, it was like $7; that smaller cheaper bottle looked like it might be the better option), got the biggest Drano, and quickly decided to buy some Kaboom spray crap (yeah okay, glad I bought that). Then I needed something to drink, but not soda, I drink enough of that garbage. Water gets old though, so Gatorade it is. Saw a white 8 pack and there were two of them, it was providence. Grabbed them both. Maybe something to eat too? I decided against it, it was just too difficult and time was running out. I had to leave immediately; I have no problem spending an hour in the parking lot but I will be damned if I spend 15 minutes inside that hell spawner (I don't know what the even means either, probably a gaming reference). I went to the express lane to check out, because I did not have much; to recap: the biggest bottle of drano, a decent sized bottle of bleach not like the last time I got bleach apparently they sold me watered down bleach then so it was bigger (at least that is what this bottle said), a normal sized spray bottle of Kaboom, two 8-packs of 12 oz. (I think) gatorades, and a last minute purchase decision on one of these big 24 packs of water. There was only one person in line in-front of me; however, to this point I have failed to mention that I did not have a shopping cart. Yeah apparently when I was on my way in, I would not be buying that much and would not need a cart. So I kept thinking as I stood in line, I need to go get a cart; I mean: I can carry a lot of stuff, but I was at the edge of my limit before getting 24 waters, that is why I decided -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Edit: 12/01/2014 ) Oh wow, just reread this for the first time since the night I wrote it. I'm afraid I do not even remember the exact phrase that was said that I thought was so funny. After getting all these items placed on the checkout lane, I felt the need to run and get a shopping cart, but I was reluctant to do so, because I wanted to let the cashier know I would be right back, but obviously she was helping the customer in front of me and did not give me a glance or anything. As I waited there arguing with myself about whether to just go and get it or wait and declare my intentions to the cashier, she finally finished with her other customer and turned her attention to me. She just sort of looked down at my items and looked at me and said something like, "Oh my, you definitely need a shopping cart." This for some reason caught me completely off-guard and I just laughed out loud at the idea that she would just blurt that out to me, finally I said, "Yeah, I was thinking of getting one." In actuality, I am making that sound better than what I really said in the moment, but I cannot remember how I responded, but I do remember thinking it was stupid and then I ran off to get a cart. Then for like the next 8 hours, I just kept laughing at myself and how I reacted throughout the entire experience. She had to think I was a loon, just bursting into laughter at the mention of needing a cart. Then responding as I did, so stupidly. Why had I not just gone to get a cart yet (I still don't quite understand)? I laugh at myself for that and I shake my head at all the other awkward things I do.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)