"If we are all alone, we are all together in that." paraphrasing from my memory one of the climactic speeches by the mother in the movie P.S. I Love You.
I have been feeling lonely today, hence the quote (why can I not just say these things). There was much inner dialogue and I felt like something was missing, someone perhaps. At one point, I thought maybe I was wanting to share my thoughts here just to know they could be read, whether or not they actually were; but, honestly I do not know (I really have no idea). I took a "sick day" today, but let us be honest my job is not exactly demanding. I mean, my job for those that do not know is to basically be a self-employed small business owner, but without all the responsibilities since after all, I am not the owner, just the brother. On the other hand, how long has it been since I took one day and just said today, I do what I want as long as it involves hardly leaving my room (while continuing to take orders and do some "computer" work to dissuade, nay temper any feelings of guilt). Still I feel the guilt. No, I am not truly sick, I have worked through much worse, but still I am not well and I do need something. I awoke this morning early, as often is the case, anticipating an early start, but my preparations once again left me wanting. Still I felt like I should have been well rested and I got up and got in the shower that I soon decided to turn into a bath at some point I fell asleep in the bath only to wake up and decide to get out of the bath and return to bed and shake off this idea of an early start. Maybe 2 or 3 hours later I awoke to something frightful. My eye felt as if it were bruised, heavy tear-filled watery discharge, a feeling that something was in my eye, unable to open it even forcefully with my index finger and thumb, and finally redness. It is about 12 hours later now, and while my eye feels a lot better it is still somewhat sore, watery, and red. However, now I also feel sick it might have been sitting or laying around all day. I fell asleep a few times just sitting in the dark or even in the light, early this morning I was determined to not even look at a computer screen/tablet. With nothing to do, but sit in the dark, I suppose it is only natural I would fall asleep eventually. I should have been able to withstand it for longer, honestly. I have also been having a lot of inner dialogue too. If that sentence was not repetitive enough to make it obvious, I feel that may be what has me feeling ill now. It is not a secret, just something I do not like to talk about, but I do not hold myself in high regard. One might even suggest I do not like myself and I would have to say that is a fair assessment most of the time. As with anything else that involves me this is the source of a never-ending struggle. I feel that I could get along fine with this, but at the same time when I get the feeling I disappoint others, it just magnifies everything I hear from myself. Who am I to complain about this, but undeserving and now ungrateful of my many blessings.
It is strangely symbolic as I sit here, in the first few moments of deciding that this was actually happening*, in the air conditioned room that I sometimes refer as my home, a bead of sweat rolled down my forehead and dropped to the floor. I have well documented the pressure I put on myself, or at the least my personal difficulties, when writing. I have heard it from so many different people, that for varying reasons have by chance seen something I wrote well, the things these people say are nice to hear, but I cannot say I am not skeptical.
Posting 12/01/2014: This was written a couple months ago. I have lost the train of thought I had at the time, I actually do not completely remember writing it, but I do remember having the eye issues. My eye has healed up, I wear my contacts a lot less than I used to (I now have glasses). Although I wouldn't say with 100% certainty it was a problem with wearing my contacts. The optometrist wanted me to see a specialist, but I did not want to pay that kind of money! I now choose to take a "eye vitamin & mineral supplement" that claims to help counter eye diseases associated with aging. I also try to wash/rinse my eye out better during every shower, I was not really doing a good job of that before. I do not wear my contacts more than 12 hours any longer (I would sleep in them before, they are made for overnight use even though it is still not recommended).
*As I reread this now, it is obvious how it might be very confusing, but I remember writing the bottom of the original two paragraphs first, until I started writing more and found some flow. This "thing that was actually happening" is me deciding I am going to write. The title is something I had thought of a long time before actually writing this, but never used (as far as I can remember). It is something I wanted to use, because I enjoy the double meaning. It also reminds me of flag football as a child, my brother and I stood in the back yard shouting "Out-standing in the field" repeatedly in jest.
No comments:
Post a Comment