Dear Mom,
All too often this world is filled with people that are unwilling to take responsibility for their shortcomings and their failures. These people typically place the blame with their parents. I am a little skeptical, perhaps I have been lucky in that respect and those people and myself have experiences that are very different. I had everything that a boy could need (and more) growing up and most of what I wanted too. I had opportunities that I did not take advantage of, but anywhere I went wrong was my own fault. I know that I did not quite turn out to be the person you raised me to be. That should not reflect on you in anyway. Maybe one day, who knows. Until then, don't beat yourself up about me, and don't mind anyone that says otherwise either.
I am not sure if you remember, it was quite a few years ago, I had this t-shirt that read: "My mommy says I'm special." I loved that t-shirt. Partially, because I love to make people laugh, even though I have not helped anyone laugh in a long time. With all my brothers and sisters, I was not the smartest, handsomest/prettiest, most talented, artistic, responsible, disciplined, athletic, extroverted, or affectionate child; the world saw an awkward and peculiar child, but through your eyes I was special. I have been blessed to see the world through your eyes. There is a world out there full of people special in their own way, waiting to laugh, smile, connect, and love. I only wish, I had been blessed with the courage to act on what my heart sees through these eyes.
I am sorry. I let you down and I do not know if it gets any better. The best I can do is to offer to try. But still, I just don't know. I am not sure if it is worth all the hugs I did not give, or the love you did not receive. Thank you for everything, and I mean everything I should have ever said thank you for and did not.
I love you.
Your son,
Aaron
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Reality disappoints
For the gamers, I began to make the following post on facebook quite some time ago, but it was too long for my facebook app to post as a status. I saved it to my phone with the intention of making a blog post out of it, eventually:
Since the time that I wrote this excerpt there have been many more sitings. I walk through the parking lot this car tends to park in almost every day. I imagine some professor or some academic living like a mild mannered life like Clark Kent. One where everyone assumes they are like any other responsible, intelligent individual. However, when the work is done, a dark side emerges and they become a veritable force to be reckoned with. Most likely pwning some noobs.
I actually had a marketing professor that was a gamer, she played WoW. I never personally played that, although I thought it was interesting she played games at all, but it lacked the same kind of mystery of this individual. She was pretty vocal about her gaming and if I recall correctly, I knew she was a gamer before I had her in class. We once had a question (bonus for attendance) on an exam that was completely unrelated to marketing; she looked up (in class) a couple of gamer videos and from that derived a gaming vocabulary word that only those in attendance (or possibly hardcore gamers) would know for the exam. But, I digress.
Every day I passed this car my imagination would run wild. Hypothesizing who this professor or administrator might be. What if it was someone I knew? What if it was someone no one would expect!
A couple of days ago, I had the unfortunate opportunity of seeing the driver of the car entering his vehicle. Total let down, I am not sure what he does to have a faculty permit, maybe an IT boy. Maybe he is a grad student, if they can get N/P staff permits. He might be mid-20s. Totally lame and did not nearly live up to the hype (in my head).
Pwned.
I came across a vanity plate, that I find interesting. "PWNER" what makes this tale even more epic was the car's location in a faculty/staff parking space on campus. The initial contact, however, was unfortunate due to the fact that I had left my phone on the charger. I know the rule, pics or it didn't happen. Fortunately another spotting occurred, this time phone in hand (well in pocket). I cannot help to be curious could pwner have some alternate meaning? I sure hope not, that would detract from this experience.
Since the time that I wrote this excerpt there have been many more sitings. I walk through the parking lot this car tends to park in almost every day. I imagine some professor or some academic living like a mild mannered life like Clark Kent. One where everyone assumes they are like any other responsible, intelligent individual. However, when the work is done, a dark side emerges and they become a veritable force to be reckoned with. Most likely pwning some noobs.I actually had a marketing professor that was a gamer, she played WoW. I never personally played that, although I thought it was interesting she played games at all, but it lacked the same kind of mystery of this individual. She was pretty vocal about her gaming and if I recall correctly, I knew she was a gamer before I had her in class. We once had a question (bonus for attendance) on an exam that was completely unrelated to marketing; she looked up (in class) a couple of gamer videos and from that derived a gaming vocabulary word that only those in attendance (or possibly hardcore gamers) would know for the exam. But, I digress.
Every day I passed this car my imagination would run wild. Hypothesizing who this professor or administrator might be. What if it was someone I knew? What if it was someone no one would expect!
A couple of days ago, I had the unfortunate opportunity of seeing the driver of the car entering his vehicle. Total let down, I am not sure what he does to have a faculty permit, maybe an IT boy. Maybe he is a grad student, if they can get N/P staff permits. He might be mid-20s. Totally lame and did not nearly live up to the hype (in my head).
Pwned.
Driven fearful
Pops always was mindful to teach his children to respect and fear the automobile. He spoke of the potentially fatal dangers of over-correcting, but his eyes told the tale of an inexperienced driver and in that story I could see a life slipping away.
Driving down the road he would throw his hands in the air, turn to me, and say you have got to take the wheel. I used to wonder what he was thinking, is this a game? It would make me mad and I did not want to do it. However, those eyes suggested I had better take that wheel. For better or worse, that is how I began learning how to drive. It started with control, I can still hear him coaxing me to turn the wheel sharper: "don't be afraid to turn the wheel". He was right, anger was quickly replaced by fear, however, as experience mounted the fear slowly subsided. I learned an incredible confidence behind the wheel. With the exception of a high school driver's ed teacher (and his poor teaching methods) temporarily reverting my behavior, fear has been replaced by respect and remarkable control.
I started driving before I was legally allowed to do so. At first, every morning I drove with my mother in the passenger seat. She "dropped" me off and drove home; then I would ride to school with friends. Eventually, I started driving to the store or short distances alone. Mother let me drive if I asked, but I heard later in life that she was still a bit suspicious about my maturity and how this impacted my driving behaviors.
Particularly one incident comes to mind. I drove to the store, which was probably less than a mile away (I probably should have just walked, but I have always liked driving more than walking). Where we lived at the time, the road to the house made a right off the main road and then a quick left so that it was parallel to the main road for a hundred feet or so before intersecting a road from the right. On my way home I made the right turn and before I started turning left my knee bumped the gear shift into a neutral position. I quickly shifted back into drive, but the van just did not respond. Apparently, I ruined the transmission when this simple mistake occurred; which is highly improbable! Nevertheless, I sat there a minute not knowing what to do; at the time I did not have a cell phone. I crossed my fingers and tried to get it in gear the best I could (this was an automatic transmission, if it is in drive then it should be in gear) the van would still not respond, but reverse was working...So I drove the rest of the way home in reverse. Which I consider no small feat and I doubt many people could have matched it even with several years of experience. Apparently my mother, I found out later, thought I was manually changing gears (on an automatic) because I thought it was 'cool' perhaps I learned it from the movies (idk). However, I still maintain my innocence. Some may call it unbelievable, I still do not quite believe it, but the truth is that I came around the corner and my knee bumped the gear shift into neutral, not even into reverse just neutral. That was enough, this time, to tear up a transmission.
If some one wants to criticize that perhaps I was taking the corner too fast, then that is acceptable I probably was. I do not recall how fast I was going, but judging from how I have learned to take corners it is probably accurate to say I have always taken them a little fast.
Nevertheless, I have done some pretty amazing things (most of them while driving a delivery/moving truck), that even I question how it was possible. One time I defied the laws of physics and overcame inertia while driving. A woman suddenly stopped at a yellow light (where I am from we do not stop on yellow, typically). Not only did I not anticipate her reaction, I probably even sped up some so that the light would not change red before I passed under it. Needless to say, I slammed on the brakes and jerked the wheel to the left where the vehicle jumped into the median instead of fusing her trunk with her engine. It was a game of inches and I am still not quite sure how I completely avoided her vehicle. Another time, I "parallel parked" a delivery truck between a semi-tractor and a concrete dock wall, with somewhere around 2-3 inches of leeway. The bumper was nearly perfectly aligned with the dock wall. Then there was the time I began traveling around a turn on a country road only to find two school buses coming at me. I jerked the wheel quickly to the right and then ever so slightly back to the left to, avoiding the first bus as my passenger side tires hovered over the shoulder of the road. The second bus practically stopped (probably in disbelief and fear) but I gently returned all four tires to the road and smoothly slipped away. And there are other, less spectacular stories, for another time...
This post has been a long time coming; my motivation behind writing this was that a couple months ago (right as the Fall 2011 semester ended). I was traveling from Wilmington, North Carolina back to Bowling Green, Kentucky when the car I was driving suffered a blow-out. This is one of those things my father through his teachings prepared me for; too often I hear about the loss of control experienced after a blow-out and how that can be fatal at high speeds.
This was not my first blow-out when traveling at 65+ m.p.h. and I have been relieved (possibly even lucky) that I have not experienced any loss of control. Maybe it is just that, all luck, but there is the chance that it has to do with preparation. Just in case that has some truth: thanks Pops for preparing me well.
Driving down the road he would throw his hands in the air, turn to me, and say you have got to take the wheel. I used to wonder what he was thinking, is this a game? It would make me mad and I did not want to do it. However, those eyes suggested I had better take that wheel. For better or worse, that is how I began learning how to drive. It started with control, I can still hear him coaxing me to turn the wheel sharper: "don't be afraid to turn the wheel". He was right, anger was quickly replaced by fear, however, as experience mounted the fear slowly subsided. I learned an incredible confidence behind the wheel. With the exception of a high school driver's ed teacher (and his poor teaching methods) temporarily reverting my behavior, fear has been replaced by respect and remarkable control.
I started driving before I was legally allowed to do so. At first, every morning I drove with my mother in the passenger seat. She "dropped" me off and drove home; then I would ride to school with friends. Eventually, I started driving to the store or short distances alone. Mother let me drive if I asked, but I heard later in life that she was still a bit suspicious about my maturity and how this impacted my driving behaviors.
Particularly one incident comes to mind. I drove to the store, which was probably less than a mile away (I probably should have just walked, but I have always liked driving more than walking). Where we lived at the time, the road to the house made a right off the main road and then a quick left so that it was parallel to the main road for a hundred feet or so before intersecting a road from the right. On my way home I made the right turn and before I started turning left my knee bumped the gear shift into a neutral position. I quickly shifted back into drive, but the van just did not respond. Apparently, I ruined the transmission when this simple mistake occurred; which is highly improbable! Nevertheless, I sat there a minute not knowing what to do; at the time I did not have a cell phone. I crossed my fingers and tried to get it in gear the best I could (this was an automatic transmission, if it is in drive then it should be in gear) the van would still not respond, but reverse was working...So I drove the rest of the way home in reverse. Which I consider no small feat and I doubt many people could have matched it even with several years of experience. Apparently my mother, I found out later, thought I was manually changing gears (on an automatic) because I thought it was 'cool' perhaps I learned it from the movies (idk). However, I still maintain my innocence. Some may call it unbelievable, I still do not quite believe it, but the truth is that I came around the corner and my knee bumped the gear shift into neutral, not even into reverse just neutral. That was enough, this time, to tear up a transmission.
If some one wants to criticize that perhaps I was taking the corner too fast, then that is acceptable I probably was. I do not recall how fast I was going, but judging from how I have learned to take corners it is probably accurate to say I have always taken them a little fast.
Nevertheless, I have done some pretty amazing things (most of them while driving a delivery/moving truck), that even I question how it was possible. One time I defied the laws of physics and overcame inertia while driving. A woman suddenly stopped at a yellow light (where I am from we do not stop on yellow, typically). Not only did I not anticipate her reaction, I probably even sped up some so that the light would not change red before I passed under it. Needless to say, I slammed on the brakes and jerked the wheel to the left where the vehicle jumped into the median instead of fusing her trunk with her engine. It was a game of inches and I am still not quite sure how I completely avoided her vehicle. Another time, I "parallel parked" a delivery truck between a semi-tractor and a concrete dock wall, with somewhere around 2-3 inches of leeway. The bumper was nearly perfectly aligned with the dock wall. Then there was the time I began traveling around a turn on a country road only to find two school buses coming at me. I jerked the wheel quickly to the right and then ever so slightly back to the left to, avoiding the first bus as my passenger side tires hovered over the shoulder of the road. The second bus practically stopped (probably in disbelief and fear) but I gently returned all four tires to the road and smoothly slipped away. And there are other, less spectacular stories, for another time...
This post has been a long time coming; my motivation behind writing this was that a couple months ago (right as the Fall 2011 semester ended). I was traveling from Wilmington, North Carolina back to Bowling Green, Kentucky when the car I was driving suffered a blow-out. This is one of those things my father through his teachings prepared me for; too often I hear about the loss of control experienced after a blow-out and how that can be fatal at high speeds.
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