Lunch and friends

Now this is an interesting story and I think it says a lot about some of my flaws.

My friend and I arranged a long over-due catch-up session.  I am not even going to write of the time that had elapsed since the last time we hung out.  I was pleasantly surprised when I got to the food court to see that two of my friends were there (one can start to see I might be really, really bad at maintaining contact with friends -- weakness).  It had been so long since I had seen them both, I wanted to give them each one the biggest hugs of their lives, but I may not be the best at expressing my emotions -- weakness.  As I stood there contemplating if I should just wrap my arms around them, my mind told me no.  What if they thought it was weird?  What if they didn't want me to touch them?  What if they did not want to be hugged in-front of all these people (there were a LOT of people around)? You are not even much of a hugger -- weakness (I can probably count on both hands the number of hugs I have given and my grandmother makes me give her a hug every time I visit her...twice)!  Yeah, I do not visit her as much as I should -- weakness.

Well so far this lunch was the epitome of why I started this blog; many of the things I think never materialize, but they really should -- weakness.  We had plenty of time in line to talk and that was before I managed to screw up placing my order, but my friends stood with me even ten minutes after they had gotten their food. <3

How can one fail at ordering food?  Well it is quite simple, become invisible -- weakness.  Several years ago I regularly wore camouflage, my high-school peers know it best.  I had three pairs of camouflage cargo pants and I wore a pair almost everyday if not EVERY day -- not a weakness.  It is hard to say why I stopped, but I am going to pretend it was because those pants appeared to function all too well, I could disappear right before the eyes.  It was NOT the pants; invisibility is a unique trait I have, sometimes it takes effort.  These times, I am very in-tune with my environment.  I do not filter any sensory information, this is needed to ensure that my existence impedes on no other.  I make predictions and alter my behavior accordingly.  I can never fully explain this aspect of my behavior, it is complex; suffice it to say that I have a HIGHLY conforming (DISC) personality.  However, there are other times when I lose track of a variable and my predictions are inaccurate.  I think that I have minimized my impact while still remaining visible, especially to those that NEED to see me. The problem with a highly conforming individual that is invisible is that they could open their mouth to re-emerge, but that is just not in their nature.  So instead they move back to where the mistake may have occurred and try to rectify the mistake on a second attempt -- weakness.

I do not ignore the weaknesses; I realize the need to be kept in check, eventually (maybe) one day they will hardly be noticeable.  In-fact, that is what I am hoping to teach them.

Take the stairs

Campus is full of buildings with 3-5 floors and one, maybe two elevators. Elevators do serve an essential purpose (do not misinterpret what I'm trying to say); however, patrons are frivolously accommodated the vast majority of the time.  In most instances, I try to avoid judgment; well aware that I lack a complete awareness of anyone other than myself. Given that disclaimer, I have just witnessed an apparent healthy and capable individual (of college age) opt to wait for the elevator, knowing the individual currently using the only elevator was having difficulty managing all the contents of his cart (they kept spilling off the cart).  This was on the 2nd floor of a 3-floor building and there is a set of stairs no more than 30 feet away.  Any benefit the elevator might afford in that situation was negated.

Another new beginning

Well almost.  The new semester brings a clean slate of classes that I have not blemished.  I suppose that is the life of a student, one might suppose I would have gotten good at this with all my experience.  However it is really no secret, I am not a good student and despite the new beginning, the past is still there begging to be remedied.

I have, in the past, pondered over the answer, the "why" I am this way.  Once upon a time, I believed that knowing that answer would provide an understanding for the solution.  I used to feel I was searching for a "passion".  I believe that greatness is achieved by aligning one's natural born talents, ability, and passion with what one does.  That is how somebody becomes great.

The professionals do not even know what to do with me.  That is not even a joke; I have spoken with several professors and even counselors that would agree they believe I have ability, "potential."  It is difficult to explain, but let me just say: I have a good idea of what I should do; however, I am not without doubt as to how I am to do that.

I was speaking with my mom the other day; she suggested that I lack determination.  I laughed a little on the inside; I do not deny it to be true.  Motivation is just another way of describing the same thing.  Indeed I have jealously wondered what it must be like to be one of those students that must have an 'A.'  It is not that I envy the obsessing or the stressing, but the achieved results.  Therein lies the problem.  GPA does not simply measure ability, but performance.  What is performance:  ability * effort.  Effort, a function of motivation…One may question, where is this going?  Slow and uncertain; just imagine figuring it out by one’s lonesome.

The system is built on the basis that GPA is all that any student needs to be motivated to give their best effort (Potential = ability * best effort).  This is not the only failing of the system; there is also the matter of estimated ability based on previously documented educational experiences which is more typically a factor of age than any true measure of ability.  Therefore, the system compiles groups of unmatched levels of ability and appoints an individual to direct all individuals in the learning process.  Effectively creating a ceiling based on the lowest ability level.  Above-average ability individuals are thereby conditioned to exert minimal effort to remain economically sound.  Not only that, but given that they are never challenged to give their best effort, they will not gain an understanding for their learning potential.

How is the system expected to educate, when it fails to teach all but the lowest ability student how to learn?