This was just a quick idea that popped into my head. Now that Christmas is over and families are starting to take down their trees I have noticed a few people giving theirs away for free; they either want a new tree or a real tree next year, or it just is not feasible to keep up with it until next year.
Anyway the thought occurred to me that one might collect these trees store them for the next 10 or 11 months, then sell them at a reasonable price to the frugal or give them to the needy. The revenue generated from sales could be used for philanthropy. If someone did this long enough and was perceived as a legitimate non-profit organization I think more people would be willing to donate and buy trees from the organization. Ultimately it could almost be like renting a tree with the option of keeping it and embracing the spirit of giving at the same time.
One problem is that it could require a lot of space and for an inventory that only turns once in a year and all within one months time. It would also call for a lot of work in December and January, but nothing but sitting on the shelves the rest of the year.
For all I know, someone might be doing this now. I have never heard of them. Of course, recently I have not been much of a Christmas tree person; I feel like it is more of a family activity.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Vroom vroom erhmmmm; ahrrrrrrr errrr kush kiih
My nephew got a hotwheels wall track for Christmas. First of all it is totally awesome, but he is too little to operate some of the mechanical aspects. Therefore, they must be left off. He also does not like to share, which makes me very sad.
Hotwheels have always been cool, but somewhere after the time I stopped playing with them they started making some awesome tracks. I had some track pieces when I was a little boy, but nothing that was as cool as what they make now. As far as I know there was nothing motorized available and although the loops were around, I do not remember them actually working very well. Well he has a loop and it works awesome, except for the fact that it is rubber-band wound up and therefore only works one time before needing to be re-wound. Which is ultimately the problem, he does not understand how to get it prepared for a car. He doesn't have anything motorized, but after playing with what he does have for a while, we went to the website and I saw some cool tracks that I would love to play with!
I am starting to wonder if I have any of my track pieces left, I know exactly where I last stored them. I may have decided to throw them away though. Also wondering if I still have some hotwheels from when I started "collecting" them. I know I gave some to my other nephew for Christmas a few years ago.
I may have to start collecting track pieces and one day build one of the world's largest automated hotwheels tracks. How awesome would it be to come home to the sound of hotwheels racing around the track, one that reaches two stories high? I actually did go to a Goodwill today looking for track pieces, but they only had city pieces. I thought about it, but ultimately could not settle for anything less than track pieces. I did pick up a pair of hotwheels Ford Mustang '92 and '13 from Wal-mart; I probably still do have two more Ford Mustang hotwheels cars somewhere, no matter what has happened with the rest of my collection I am certain I did not get rid of those.
Well I think it is time for me to get back to it.
P.S. for those that may have never played with cars before vroom vroom is the sound a car makes when shifting gears erhmmmm is accelerating or cruising at top gear and ahrrrrrr errrr is squealing brakes and finally kush kiih is shattering glass/crashing.
Vroom vroooom vrooooooom.
Hmmm. Vroom vroom can also be revving the engine.
Update 1/4/2012: I have since been to several stores to see if I could find the awesome wall track I saw on hotwheels.com, Mid-Air Madness, no luck; however, I did manage to find two more Ford Mustangs and I grabbed 3 cars from the HW Racing collection that are supposedly "great for tracks". But wait, I am not finished I also found a loop that I initially thought would go good with my nephews wall tracks, although I am beginning to have second thoughts, not sure if I want to share! I also did not mention that I initially bought a wall track and a hotwheels garage with a drag strip on top for my nephew for Christmas, but since he had so many more toys than his older sister's coming to him already, I did not give him the wall track and I have been toying with the idea of keeping it for myself or to give to one of my other nephews eventually. I was playing with my nephews toys while he was out of town, trying to decide if I wanted to open up my toys and build a bigger track, I decided against that, but took a picture of my toys to share.
Hotwheels have always been cool, but somewhere after the time I stopped playing with them they started making some awesome tracks. I had some track pieces when I was a little boy, but nothing that was as cool as what they make now. As far as I know there was nothing motorized available and although the loops were around, I do not remember them actually working very well. Well he has a loop and it works awesome, except for the fact that it is rubber-band wound up and therefore only works one time before needing to be re-wound. Which is ultimately the problem, he does not understand how to get it prepared for a car. He doesn't have anything motorized, but after playing with what he does have for a while, we went to the website and I saw some cool tracks that I would love to play with!
I am starting to wonder if I have any of my track pieces left, I know exactly where I last stored them. I may have decided to throw them away though. Also wondering if I still have some hotwheels from when I started "collecting" them. I know I gave some to my other nephew for Christmas a few years ago.
I may have to start collecting track pieces and one day build one of the world's largest automated hotwheels tracks. How awesome would it be to come home to the sound of hotwheels racing around the track, one that reaches two stories high? I actually did go to a Goodwill today looking for track pieces, but they only had city pieces. I thought about it, but ultimately could not settle for anything less than track pieces. I did pick up a pair of hotwheels Ford Mustang '92 and '13 from Wal-mart; I probably still do have two more Ford Mustang hotwheels cars somewhere, no matter what has happened with the rest of my collection I am certain I did not get rid of those.
Well I think it is time for me to get back to it.
P.S. for those that may have never played with cars before vroom vroom is the sound a car makes when shifting gears erhmmmm is accelerating or cruising at top gear and ahrrrrrr errrr is squealing brakes and finally kush kiih is shattering glass/crashing.
Vroom vroooom vrooooooom.
Hmmm. Vroom vroom can also be revving the engine.
Update 1/4/2012: I have since been to several stores to see if I could find the awesome wall track I saw on hotwheels.com, Mid-Air Madness, no luck; however, I did manage to find two more Ford Mustangs and I grabbed 3 cars from the HW Racing collection that are supposedly "great for tracks". But wait, I am not finished I also found a loop that I initially thought would go good with my nephews wall tracks, although I am beginning to have second thoughts, not sure if I want to share! I also did not mention that I initially bought a wall track and a hotwheels garage with a drag strip on top for my nephew for Christmas, but since he had so many more toys than his older sister's coming to him already, I did not give him the wall track and I have been toying with the idea of keeping it for myself or to give to one of my other nephews eventually. I was playing with my nephews toys while he was out of town, trying to decide if I wanted to open up my toys and build a bigger track, I decided against that, but took a picture of my toys to share.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Ugh
I stole the title from a former co-worker, she constantly posts it as a status on facebook. I think it pretty much sums up how I am feeling right about now. My only problem is I like to show my work a little too much, so there is no way I could post something like that to facebook without explanation. Where to start though?
Well I woke up late this morning, not that I had a lot to do today. I did not, unless we want to talk about the things that I probably should be doing, but have not shown much initiative to do. Like find another part-time job or do some deep cleaning in this house or perhaps exercise. Instead, I just went to McDonald's and then headed over to my brother's house. Only I was surprised to find he was not there but Elba was, she is like the nanny (except when she goes to my brother's house to watch his kids she usually brings Jayden and Mateo too), which meant I decided to eat the breakfast I had brought to share with my brother and his son, Maxson. I forgot it was Thursday (not Friday) anyway and Maxson is in school until 10:45, he gets to spend the day at home on Fridays. So after I ate my enormous breakfast, big enough for 2 adults and 1 child except for the hash browns I ordered got left out, I found something on television to pass the time. Except, I found a movie and I have this problem where I like to watch the entire movie. Seriously it is a pet peeve if you watch a movie you watch the whole thing, if you fall asleep you watch it the next day or at least soonish. So I started watching Slumdog Millionaire and my brother asked me to do something and so I stopped watching it to go do that, it does not matter that I have seen it before; there is this feeling of emptiness inside me now just knowing I did not finish watching the movie again.
I did not finish what he asked me to do either, but I think it is almost done. Anyway, while I am doing what he asked, he goes on a DVR rampage and he is freeing up space. It just so happened, I had just decided to record a few "That 70s Show" episodes so he starts asking what is going on here. It was kind of funny there were like four episodes coming on in a row and I just pressed record series, he said "there's so many, is this something you are recording? Oh okay." Maybe you had to be there. Seriously though, if I had realized it was going to come under scrutiny within an hour of pressing that record button, I would have never done it! I just thought my brother might actually like to watch the show with me, but if not I would enjoy it; it is funny after all.
Then I spent way too long taking in news over the internet. Checked e-mail, craigslist, yahoo. etc. My brother left while I was doing this, but he handed me a rental agreement that was scheduled for today and said here try to take this early. I asked, "When, like right now?" To which he replied, "Sure, if you can."
Up until this point it had not been either an especially bad or good day. I did not jump up right away and take the jumper delivery, which if I had it might have been better for me at least I wouldn't feel solely responsible. See the problem is it started raining and jumpers/bounce houses aren't really a rainy weather activity. They really do not even have much demand in these 60 degree temperatures. Nevertheless, it was sprinkling outside and I called the customer about 3 hours before it was supposed to be delivered. She did not cancel, which at first I thought was good, even since I initially thought she probably was going to. I set the jumper up and it was sprinkling off and on the whole time. Then I collected the money, she asked me then if she got her money back if it rained and I told her that was not something we do. She still paid me and I was on my way. On the car drive back to my brother's it was more of the same; sprinkling never really raining heavy.
I arrive at my brother's home and was greeted by Maxson, Jayden, Mateo, and even Elba (She doesn't speak and hardly understands English). Maxson is just being silly and wants attention and Elba is trying to tell me or ask something. In the process of trying to communicate with Elba, Maxson smacks me a good one right in the balls (which is starting to get annoying I did not see him do it to know his intentions, but his sister's have started feeble attempts at kicking me between the legs for their own amusement; sadly he got me better than either one of them has). All I understood from Elba was "hermana" so I guessed she was looking for Maxson's sisters. It was about time for them to be home, so I made an assumption. I still wonder why she wouldn't have just said their names.
I called my brother to ask him if he was picking up the girls, and we started talking about the rain and the jumper delivery. I relayed him everything I've shared here. Apparently he was a few blocks away and it was really coming down. I stepped outside and it was still sprinkling a bit, but not really coming down. He told me we would wait for the customer to call, but I was getting the impression he would have rather I did not set it up. I looked up a weather map to see what was going on. It appeared to be moving North and it was not going to be over soon. I am already feeling like I screwed up and all I really did was what I was told.
Then he comes home and we start talking about the delivery. He goes over what all was said and he is not feeling good about it. He starts lecturing me on what to say to customers when it might possibly rain. Don't get me wrong the experience or training I get in that moment is invaluable, but it also sends a clear message that I screwed up. He decides to call the customer and offer to pick up the now soaked bounce house and return half of the money (the customer also rented tables and chairs and they kept those for the party). Basically they paid normal price for the table's and chairs and I got a bounce house wet and made two trips to the delivery. The company books might show revenue from this deliver, but it will cost more than was collected. I spent about 5 hours on the delivery so far and the tables and chairs still need to be picked up and the unit is not completely dry. I spent 2 hours already trying to clean and dry the unit some. It was hardly getting anywhere and I was afraid it might keep sprinkling, so I rolled the unit back up and put it in the garage.
My brother left the house on a date with his wife or something, I am assuming (he did not tell me). I eventually just left his house, probably should have called, but I am tired and I just wanted to be home. So I have not even spoke with him since picking up the wet unit. I probably should have just brought it to my place and put it in the garage or something, but I did not know he was not going to be home.
I stopped at Wendy's on the way home and they did not give me a receipt, straw, or napkins. Which is no big deal, but damn why must they forget those things today?
Well I woke up late this morning, not that I had a lot to do today. I did not, unless we want to talk about the things that I probably should be doing, but have not shown much initiative to do. Like find another part-time job or do some deep cleaning in this house or perhaps exercise. Instead, I just went to McDonald's and then headed over to my brother's house. Only I was surprised to find he was not there but Elba was, she is like the nanny (except when she goes to my brother's house to watch his kids she usually brings Jayden and Mateo too), which meant I decided to eat the breakfast I had brought to share with my brother and his son, Maxson. I forgot it was Thursday (not Friday) anyway and Maxson is in school until 10:45, he gets to spend the day at home on Fridays. So after I ate my enormous breakfast, big enough for 2 adults and 1 child except for the hash browns I ordered got left out, I found something on television to pass the time. Except, I found a movie and I have this problem where I like to watch the entire movie. Seriously it is a pet peeve if you watch a movie you watch the whole thing, if you fall asleep you watch it the next day or at least soonish. So I started watching Slumdog Millionaire and my brother asked me to do something and so I stopped watching it to go do that, it does not matter that I have seen it before; there is this feeling of emptiness inside me now just knowing I did not finish watching the movie again.
I did not finish what he asked me to do either, but I think it is almost done. Anyway, while I am doing what he asked, he goes on a DVR rampage and he is freeing up space. It just so happened, I had just decided to record a few "That 70s Show" episodes so he starts asking what is going on here. It was kind of funny there were like four episodes coming on in a row and I just pressed record series, he said "there's so many, is this something you are recording? Oh okay." Maybe you had to be there. Seriously though, if I had realized it was going to come under scrutiny within an hour of pressing that record button, I would have never done it! I just thought my brother might actually like to watch the show with me, but if not I would enjoy it; it is funny after all.
Then I spent way too long taking in news over the internet. Checked e-mail, craigslist, yahoo. etc. My brother left while I was doing this, but he handed me a rental agreement that was scheduled for today and said here try to take this early. I asked, "When, like right now?" To which he replied, "Sure, if you can."
Up until this point it had not been either an especially bad or good day. I did not jump up right away and take the jumper delivery, which if I had it might have been better for me at least I wouldn't feel solely responsible. See the problem is it started raining and jumpers/bounce houses aren't really a rainy weather activity. They really do not even have much demand in these 60 degree temperatures. Nevertheless, it was sprinkling outside and I called the customer about 3 hours before it was supposed to be delivered. She did not cancel, which at first I thought was good, even since I initially thought she probably was going to. I set the jumper up and it was sprinkling off and on the whole time. Then I collected the money, she asked me then if she got her money back if it rained and I told her that was not something we do. She still paid me and I was on my way. On the car drive back to my brother's it was more of the same; sprinkling never really raining heavy.
I arrive at my brother's home and was greeted by Maxson, Jayden, Mateo, and even Elba (She doesn't speak and hardly understands English). Maxson is just being silly and wants attention and Elba is trying to tell me or ask something. In the process of trying to communicate with Elba, Maxson smacks me a good one right in the balls (which is starting to get annoying I did not see him do it to know his intentions, but his sister's have started feeble attempts at kicking me between the legs for their own amusement; sadly he got me better than either one of them has). All I understood from Elba was "hermana" so I guessed she was looking for Maxson's sisters. It was about time for them to be home, so I made an assumption. I still wonder why she wouldn't have just said their names.
I called my brother to ask him if he was picking up the girls, and we started talking about the rain and the jumper delivery. I relayed him everything I've shared here. Apparently he was a few blocks away and it was really coming down. I stepped outside and it was still sprinkling a bit, but not really coming down. He told me we would wait for the customer to call, but I was getting the impression he would have rather I did not set it up. I looked up a weather map to see what was going on. It appeared to be moving North and it was not going to be over soon. I am already feeling like I screwed up and all I really did was what I was told.
Then he comes home and we start talking about the delivery. He goes over what all was said and he is not feeling good about it. He starts lecturing me on what to say to customers when it might possibly rain. Don't get me wrong the experience or training I get in that moment is invaluable, but it also sends a clear message that I screwed up. He decides to call the customer and offer to pick up the now soaked bounce house and return half of the money (the customer also rented tables and chairs and they kept those for the party). Basically they paid normal price for the table's and chairs and I got a bounce house wet and made two trips to the delivery. The company books might show revenue from this deliver, but it will cost more than was collected. I spent about 5 hours on the delivery so far and the tables and chairs still need to be picked up and the unit is not completely dry. I spent 2 hours already trying to clean and dry the unit some. It was hardly getting anywhere and I was afraid it might keep sprinkling, so I rolled the unit back up and put it in the garage.
My brother left the house on a date with his wife or something, I am assuming (he did not tell me). I eventually just left his house, probably should have called, but I am tired and I just wanted to be home. So I have not even spoke with him since picking up the wet unit. I probably should have just brought it to my place and put it in the garage or something, but I did not know he was not going to be home.
I stopped at Wendy's on the way home and they did not give me a receipt, straw, or napkins. Which is no big deal, but damn why must they forget those things today?
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Fuel -- Bad Day
It has been a bad day. Right now I'm on Nellis A.F.B. for at least another hour or two. I am supposed to have collected $280 from the delivery here, but I told them I would talk to the boss to see what kind of discount we could get them since I basically showed up at the base when they were expecting to start.
I am waiting for that party to end so I can get it without worrying about how to get back on base. The fun part of it all is using my brother's phone to type it all up. I have not really told anyone but family, but my blackberry has a busted screen and I am not upgrading (contract is up) so I am just not using a phone (I never call anyone really and no one can reciprocate what is not happening), but I would still have an easier time typing with the screen busted all up than this thing. I do not love the Samsung Galaxy and/or the touchscreen keyboard. Yet, despite all my hatred; dealing with this is still the better part of my day. Here allow me to explain:
One Lady wanted to set up two bounce houses for 11:30 this morning; only she did not understand we arrive early to have it set up by that start time. I started calling about 9:00 am hoping to drive right over, she was only 10 minutes away. No answer at either number, left a message on one number, voicemail full on the other. I go to breakfast and stop in a goodwill, just to give her some time to call me back. Twenty minutes later I try to call again. Twenty minutes after that I am knocking on the door, just hoping they open that! I have no more time to wait for her, but I will have to wait anyway. After about 5 minutes and ringing the door bell twice and thinking about a third time (I heard voices inside, come on people) they finally ask, "Who is there?" I explained who I was through the door and they said, "Oh wow, you are early!" Well not really ma'am if your party is at 11:30, arriving at 9:00 might have been early; but after waiting until almost 10 to show up I am no longer early. They do not currently have a key to the back gate and again they are shocked that I would show up at almost 10:00 for an 11:30 party, so early, how dare I? Seriously though, this guy was genuinely upset (I could hear it in his voice) that I was early. Well he could have been upset at the gardener, but he was projecting it onto me. See the gardener had broken his key to the gate off and that was why they did not have they key and he was supposed to be at the house at 6:30 am and here I am so early at 10:00 and the gardener has not been there!
The phone is really acting wonky now so going to finish this and fix at a computer later. Time lapse; two hours later: I am at a computer now the phone was not letting me scroll down, and the cursor was stuck blinking about halfway. Additionally, my willingness to make typos had increased as I went along. Anyway I have cleaned everything up now (hopefully before anyone saw this). We return now to the story of a Bad Day already in progress:
Since, I had to wait for the gardener, I threw what I could over the gate, but the customer was still apparently upset about me arriving early that he was not ready to let me start setting everything up. All the while they were eating into my next customer's time. I am finally permitted to enter into the forbidden land by walking through the home. However, the problems did not end there. I tried explaining to the customer both bounce house blower motors would need to be on a different circuit otherwise it would likely trip the breaker. They did not understand and asked me to try to put them both on the same outlet! All I could do was hope that circuit could handle that kind of voltage. It could not and I soon found out that almost every plug on the front of the house was on the same circuit none of the outlets could handle it when both blowers were plugged in. Finally we ran one of the extension cords to an outlet at the back of the house. By this time I had been there nearly an hour and a half and 10:00 did not seem so early to them for an 11:30 party. The problem was my other party started at 12:00! I was supposed to have been there at 10:30, which is why I was super frustrated by all the shenanigans I ran into at this first customer.
Well my day has gotten a lot better. With the help I had from the party-goers at Nellis we had their party rentals set up super fast. Also got them taken down pretty quickly with their help. Gave them a little more of a discount than the boss approved, but I got a tip from the first disaster, err customer, to cover the difference (Shh don't tell). This post sucks and I am done with it, get over it.
Now go enjoy the song (click here -->) <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGHnYD2y-44">Fuel -- Bad Day</a>
I am waiting for that party to end so I can get it without worrying about how to get back on base. The fun part of it all is using my brother's phone to type it all up. I have not really told anyone but family, but my blackberry has a busted screen and I am not upgrading (contract is up) so I am just not using a phone (I never call anyone really and no one can reciprocate what is not happening), but I would still have an easier time typing with the screen busted all up than this thing. I do not love the Samsung Galaxy and/or the touchscreen keyboard. Yet, despite all my hatred; dealing with this is still the better part of my day. Here allow me to explain:
One Lady wanted to set up two bounce houses for 11:30 this morning; only she did not understand we arrive early to have it set up by that start time. I started calling about 9:00 am hoping to drive right over, she was only 10 minutes away. No answer at either number, left a message on one number, voicemail full on the other. I go to breakfast and stop in a goodwill, just to give her some time to call me back. Twenty minutes later I try to call again. Twenty minutes after that I am knocking on the door, just hoping they open that! I have no more time to wait for her, but I will have to wait anyway. After about 5 minutes and ringing the door bell twice and thinking about a third time (I heard voices inside, come on people) they finally ask, "Who is there?" I explained who I was through the door and they said, "Oh wow, you are early!" Well not really ma'am if your party is at 11:30, arriving at 9:00 might have been early; but after waiting until almost 10 to show up I am no longer early. They do not currently have a key to the back gate and again they are shocked that I would show up at almost 10:00 for an 11:30 party, so early, how dare I? Seriously though, this guy was genuinely upset (I could hear it in his voice) that I was early. Well he could have been upset at the gardener, but he was projecting it onto me. See the gardener had broken his key to the gate off and that was why they did not have they key and he was supposed to be at the house at 6:30 am and here I am so early at 10:00 and the gardener has not been there!
The phone is really acting wonky now so going to finish this and fix at a computer later. Time lapse; two hours later: I am at a computer now the phone was not letting me scroll down, and the cursor was stuck blinking about halfway. Additionally, my willingness to make typos had increased as I went along. Anyway I have cleaned everything up now (hopefully before anyone saw this). We return now to the story of a Bad Day already in progress:
Since, I had to wait for the gardener, I threw what I could over the gate, but the customer was still apparently upset about me arriving early that he was not ready to let me start setting everything up. All the while they were eating into my next customer's time. I am finally permitted to enter into the forbidden land by walking through the home. However, the problems did not end there. I tried explaining to the customer both bounce house blower motors would need to be on a different circuit otherwise it would likely trip the breaker. They did not understand and asked me to try to put them both on the same outlet! All I could do was hope that circuit could handle that kind of voltage. It could not and I soon found out that almost every plug on the front of the house was on the same circuit none of the outlets could handle it when both blowers were plugged in. Finally we ran one of the extension cords to an outlet at the back of the house. By this time I had been there nearly an hour and a half and 10:00 did not seem so early to them for an 11:30 party. The problem was my other party started at 12:00! I was supposed to have been there at 10:30, which is why I was super frustrated by all the shenanigans I ran into at this first customer.
Well my day has gotten a lot better. With the help I had from the party-goers at Nellis we had their party rentals set up super fast. Also got them taken down pretty quickly with their help. Gave them a little more of a discount than the boss approved, but I got a tip from the first disaster, err customer, to cover the difference (Shh don't tell). This post sucks and I am done with it, get over it.
Now go enjoy the song (click here -->) <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGHnYD2y-44">Fuel -- Bad Day</a>
Haunted
I am pissed off at this blinking cursor on the blank
page. While I do feel a need to write
something, anything; all that is going through my head is how difficult and
frustrating that is for me. Yet, that
seems to be all I ever write about and this has me exhausted and annoyed. Therefore, I hate that this is what I am
doing now and I wish to apologize up front to the few people that for whatever
reason feel obligated to read my ranting.
I like to believe there is a common misconception that I am
the epitome of the typical male or at least an average approximation. I am not entirely sure what that even entails;
though mostly, I refer to male machismo. It is hard to say what my friends really
think; I remember watching a movie once and I could not convince anyone, after
it was over, that I did not fall asleep.
The movie was Message in a Bottle, if memory serves me correctly, I did watch
the entire flick. I did not think it was
great, but it was decent. The reason, I
believe, that I was accused of snoozing was my horrific slouching posture. By the end of the movie I believe my back had
made it to the seat of the auditorium chair and my head was resting on the seat
back. This, however, can all be “explained”
by my slouching before the movie began, then as the movie started I did not
want to sit up and disrupt anyone’s view behind me and I also did not want to
make a ton of noise in so doing. I could
also explain it by pointing out that I am indeed crazy and there really is no good
explanation for some of my strange behavior.
However, there is something that I have done at the movies;
probably not what you are thinking. Of
course I do not believe anyone can say they have never cried at a movie. Although, I could likely say my emotions are
on par with the average female, therefore I actually do cry at movies quite
regularly. I do not hate on crying,
trust me; sometimes it can be refreshing.
However, I have also done a bit of crying over my writing deficiencies
and that is just bothersome. It seems
like a stupid reason to cry in my opinion.
Sometimes I wonder when these issues started. I like to blame myself for quickly declining
my high school teacher when he wanted me to go to a summer writing camp. He wanted me to go, as far as I know, because
he saw some flashes of brilliance in my work (I turned in a good poem and he
mentioned this camp to me, personally, just afterwards). The problem with the camp was that it was
$1000 and I knew my family could not afford that. This is only a stretch of my imagination
however, as my troubles started before this and though the poem may have been
good I recall taking forever to hammer it out and it was only eight lines. Long before that, in sixth or seventh grade I
had to write a portfolio and I was placed in “ALC” indefinitely when mine was
not completed and it was believed or expected that it should have been. I was required to work on my portfolio
entries every day, all day; foregoing normal class sessions, until I was able
to complete the (expletive) thing.
I still wish, sometimes, to convince myself that my
experiences are normal and everyone else understands what I go through; however,
deep down I do not think I truly believe that.
That is why I come back to the same idea for the thousandth time not
satisfied that I ever fully shared the feeling within me, embarrassed and
frustrated that I even feel that way. If
I could lie to myself I would call it laziness or a lack of passion, but at the
same time I oft ponder could this whole problem be imagined?
At this point as a reader, one cannot know that I got tired
and went to bed the day I started writing this.
Now it is two days later and I am just now getting in bed when I should
have been asleep at least two hours ago.
It is not like I forgot about it, at best I pushed it to the back of my
mind; but it took every opportunity available to remind me it was here. A persistent nagging that I needed to do
this, finish what I started. It is all
very overwhelming; giving life to something that has no end and offers no
closure. I will never be content though and that may be what is most discouraging. Still I am as lost as ever and that thing is still there hanging over me.
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